Obviously I hope that Cat Daddy will be around for a lot longer than just ten years but, when we talk about growing older, he always says, “When I’m long gone, you’ll probably live alone with twenty-five cats, scaring the local children away with a big stick.”
He says this as if I ought to be insulted. But … cats galore? Kids leaving me the hell alone? I see no problem with any of this.
However, contrary to the usual Cat Freak Code of Conduct, I don’t think more is always better when it comes to cats. Firstly, you see all the trouble I have with just one; the thought of the same trouble multiplied by two or more makes me feel quite faint.
Secondly, cats communicate with each other using their Creepy Kitty Sixth Sense. The more cats you have, the greater the chances of them ganging up on you, then killing you in your sleep and making it look like natural causes.
A couple of years ago, I visited a friend in Tyneside, who has five cats. Although they were all thoroughly gorgeous and I loved spending the afternoon with them, when dinner time came and they all started howling in unison, I was scared. Anyone who has ever lived with or near a cat will know that heart-wrenching, demonic sound. And the fact that they were all tuxedo cats somehow made it more scary, as if they were members of some gang or secret society (albeit a very smartly-dressed one).
So, later in life, it’s very likely that you will find me sharing my house with a cat, but it will definitely be just the one. I doubt if it will be Louis Catorze since, by then, the UFO that left him behind will probably have stopped by to collect him and take him back to his home planet. That said, if the little sod decided to live forever just to spite us all – maybe time passes differently wherever he comes from, and our “forever” is their “average”? – it wouldn’t be a surprise, would it?
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